My mom and I had a difficult relationship much of my life. I loved her dearly but she drove me crazy with her neediness and what I felt to be clinging on to me when all I wanted to do was just leave.
Only 15 when my dad died, I knew from that point on, I’d be her emotional caretaker.
Sensitive and easily hurt, my mom felt the slightest of slights on a really deep level. She was an empath through and through.
She died just seven months after my goddaughter in 2006 and I was so full of grief from Lauren’s leaving, it seemed there wasn’t room left for much with my mom. Mostly, I was glad that she was free from physical form because she had become trapped in a body that no longer functioned.
I loved my mom, though, despite all the weird stuff that went on in our relationship. I just didn’t pine for her the way many speak of missing their mom.
As I was riding down the road, the Cyndi Lauper song “Time After Time” came on the radio. That was sort of our song because we used to watch MTV together back in the day.
In fact, I had it played for her at my wedding. The mom in the video for that song looked like her, I always thought, and the song really symbolized the bond we felt for each other.
“If you’re lost you can look and you will find me … time after time. If you fall I will catch you … time after time”
Now, I always think of her when I hear this song but something was different.
I could feel her presence there in the car with me.
And then I could feel my dad show up.
They both came together and joined my energy in the car. I’ve never had that experience before – and I started crying. It was like we all were one energy. Like a family again.
For the first time in almost seven years, I missed her.
I’m not sure why it took so long for me to feel her energy in this pure form but it was really beautiful. Clear, present and high vibration.
It was such a moving moment for me that words really can’t do it justice. Mostly, I’m surprised at how much I actually DO miss her now.
And thankful that I am able to feel her love again even across the energetic plane.
She’s showing up again for a reason (maybe it’s just to say hi but that powerful of an entrance makes me think there’s a wee bit more to it. Mysteries for another time, I suppose.) and my dad has been lurking around the edges too. There’s something for me in acknowledging that I am part of a family, of a lineage.
As I wrote in her eulogy, I am the best part of her and the best part of him. I am their legacy in this world.
I hope I do them both proud.