I cried this morning. The tears were all about letting go of a dream. But I knew that I had to make room for “what is right now” not “what was back then” – both figuratively and literally.
You guys know that when my Guides poke me, I listen, right? Yeah, well, they poked and nudged the way to joining in a program called “The Shed Project” – created and hosted by Bindu Wiles. It’s eight weeks where a bunch of us let go of a lot of stuff: clothes, weight, items in the house … whatever needs to be released, this is an opportunity to do it using the group energy to help carry you along. (It officially starts September 14th, btw)
This morning I opened one of my many clothes closets and decided that it was time. Time to release to the Universe and someone else who needed them lots of clothes. Why did I cry? Because these were clothes from when I was much thinner. And I had to acknowledge that I no longer fit in them instead of hiding them away in a closet for years and years.
A little history for you
See, in 1997 I had gastric bypass surgery (then a little known procedure). I successfully lost 120 pounds and felt better in my body than I ever had in my whole life. It was an amazing feeling. I bought clothes like they were going out of style because for the first time in my life, I was thin. After getting married in 2000, I gained some weight back and by 2003, found myself at my highest post-op weight. It was not fun. Both the husband and I did a modified version of the Atkins diet and the weight just flew off. Once again, I felt good in my body and was thrilled to go out and buy new clothes again.
In 2006, I was hit with the deaths of both my beloved goddaughter and my mom and went on an eating tour to manage my grief. (Umm, I don’t recommend that but it was better than melting down into a puddle in the closet.) Several years, lots of funky hormonal changes and many pounds later, here I sit fitting into just about nothing.
So, why was I crying?
It was time to let the clothes and my dreams that I would fit back into them go. Actually, I think the dream is harder to release than the three bags of clothes. Donating them to a shop where all proceeds from sales go to the local hospice center helped me a bit. What really made a difference was knowing that someone else needed what I had to give. Whether it was the money from the sales or the clothes themselves, someone would benefit.
Letting go of my smaller sized clothes feels to me like a little death. Death of the days when I felt good in my body. I know, I know – it’s not really the case. It just feels like it right now.
Today, I cried size 10 tears knowing that really, it’s all a process of letting go so that new, vibrant energy – energy that is aligned with where I am *now* and not ten years ago has room to come in. And it will. I know. I trust.
Want to know more?
If you want to participate in Bindu’s project, check it out here: The Shed Project. I’ll be writing more about this as I begin working with even more intention on letting go.
Lisa, we all have had those days…. The good part is letting go of "old" I know its hard but once you get past the grief and the loss you'll feel new and won't remember the pain in time. Besides, the old clothes will make you feel dated and that can make you feel worse. You know what they say, out with the old, in with the new 🙂 Just think of the fun shopping trip when your in your new found happiness. Love U!
Auntie, if I could fit into those clothes, I would still wear them. They were really pretty too! 🙂 Oh well.
(Thanks for your sweet words of wisdom.)
I'm proud of you. It is hard to let go of dreams. I know once you have let go of the old, there will be many openings for the "new" you (and I know that is even better than the old you…). Lots of hugs, K
Girly, I know that I created space for the new but … dag. Those clothes were so preety! heh Oh well. I bet I will see someone out and about wearing them and I'll smile. (Right? I'll smile? Yeah. I will.)
Hugs backatcha always.
Okay, so the really weird thing — for me — is that I LET GO easily. Perhaps it's the holding on I have trouble with? Yup, methinks so. Time for me to hold 'em, whatever that means. Gotta ponder.
Jody, my husband is like that. He has no problem releasing things and probably wants to shot ole clutterbug me a lot! Good that you recognized what your piece of this is about. I look forward to hearing the results of that there ponder! 🙂
Love this. I really went through the journey with you and I can so relate! Perhaps now you are letting go of the old, you will find that those pounds go too. Open doors.
Letting go is hard. This summer I've been letting go of the person I thought I was – 3 inch heels, stylish, city girl who lived in a cute condo that was decorated to look like a model unit. I've been getting to know the girl who always has muddy paw prints on her clothes, has discussions with her boyfriend about septic systems and wells, stands in the rain with a poopy bag in her right hand cheering for her puppies. I cry too sometimes, because although I love my life, I miss that girl.
Hi Kimberly,
Yep, letting go of who we (thought we) were can be difficult. And I totally know what you mean about "missing that girl" even as you love your current life. But you know, the only constant is change so we have to go with it or be left behind, wearing shoes that no longer fit us. 🙂
Welcome – I cannot wait to feature some of your beautiful photography on here!
I just took out my warmer clothing today and I had tagged summer clothing that I did not wear at all – so put them into the charity bin. Some of my summer clothing I did not wear because it was not warm enough here all summer…but I saved most of those
I do not have clothing from a smaller size, because I have been this big size for so long…upper arms and thighs are just huge since my hysterectomy.
I have this vision of me getting off an airplane in a gorgeous suit to give a great speech some place because I am an expert. I am just a perfect size and proportional….I feel like if I give that dream up I do not have another to fit in its place…lots of grief
have lots of tears, and I think joining this group is a great idea…my guidance too Thank you for sharing
This sounds like an interesting project and I do understand the pain of letting go of a dream of such a nature. I have had a wake up call of sorts over the last year after being use to being small and then as age caught up with me feeling the pain and longing as I stared at the clothes I once could wear and then know that I couldn't anymore. Still learning to cope myself. Great piece. I look forward to reading more of your work in the near future.